Trials

I don't want to rant about how draining my week had been anymore because nothing changes; every week in med school is hell week. It's just a cycle of trying to stay awake and alert to listen to endless lectures, trying to stay awake to study the endless lectures you didn't understand in class because you couldn't stay awake and alert enough, and trying to squeeze into your heads the endless lectures you didn't understand in class because you couldn't stay awake and alert enough but eventually failing to do so because they are just so much (and because you couldn't stay awake and alert enough to understand them all either). Week in, week out, life's like this. This is our reality as med students.

And I know, it'll also just be redundant and useless if I keep on complaining about how crazy med school is and how it sometimes takes the life out of me when med school life is inadvertently like that. I want to stop asking myself if I made the right decision in pursuing medicine. I want to stop being confused if this is what I really want to do for the rest of my life. I want to stop doubting my capabilities and capacities as a person whenever I don't perform well as a med student.

But I just can't. I can't stop ranting. I can't stop being lost. I can't stop being anxious. I can't stop being afraid. Med school is testing me and pushing me to my limits, and I don't know if I can and want to still handle it. It's not just the work load, stress, and uncertainty, of course. A lot of other factors add to all this confusion. The bottom line remains, nevertheless, on whether my heart really lies in this profession or not.

Thankfully, having young, fresh grad doctors as preceptors somehow inspired me. Seeing them looking (gorgeously) youthful yet professional, knowing they got through 5++ years of info overload torture, hearing how great and adept they are in and out of class, and feeling how they are fulfilled to be where they are right now--all these made the craziness of med school a bit bearable. It really is tough, and no one can't do anything about it. But the dire work will definitely pay off after a couple of years, right? If I survive all these, I will be like the preceptors who I look up to now. If I just stop being so unmotivated and scared and push myself to do more, I will finish this and I will become a good doctor, too.

So push, Bea. Push.

:)

Lacking

Time

Sleep

Energy

Money

Motivation

FREEDOM

The past weeks had been excruciatingly tiresome and eventful, I can't even believe that I've survived it. The best part of it all? I can officially say that I am done with my first semester in med school. WHAT UP. WHAAAAT IS UP.

Okay, so maybe I might take a removal exam for the Cardio-Pulmo module. Or maybe not even half of what I learned in the past months would be retained in my head. But I am just so tired of studying that all I can think about is the awesome feeling of having nothing to do at all. And here I am, basking in that feeling. Ah, sweet, sweet freedom!

Things I learned/realized/experienced:

• I cannot donate blood because I am underweight. I even tried twice, in two different occasions. But then again, I feel fat. Well, I got really fatter. Ask my friends. I just don't know why my weight more or less stays the same and yet I have definitely grown unwillingly horizontal.
• Tummy size is directly proportional to stress.
• I lost my stethoscope. Perfect opportunity to buy a Littmann steth? Haha.
• Sleep = death, most especially during the night before the exam. I should never ever trust my forever-alarm clock-snoozing self again.
• Shopping for a party dress three hours before the party is a bad idea.
• I really need to study study. I am not learning :(
• I missed dressing up. Being in uniform five times a week should be enough motivation for me to dress up during weekends and not just settle for my quick, hassle-free, regular apparel (AKA loose shirt and shorts).
• Inspect, palpate, percuss, auscultate.
• Staring blankly into space = new hobby.
• Goodbye, Pulmonology. There's no way I'm having you as my specialization.
• The strongest people can be the weakest ones because of love :(
• I worry too much.
• My Photoshop skills are rusty already :-s
• Wild Card was great! Congrats to everyone, especially to Borbs and Aileen! :)
• I really missed you :)

Yaaaay, free time at last! ♥

Why am I crying over this?

GAAAAAH.

So Many Questions

1. Why am I a mediocre in everything? I don't know what I'm good at anymore. It seems that all that I do end up in so-sos. It makes me sad.

2. Why are so many hearts breaking? I can't take it that a lot of people dear to me are experiencing what I experienced before. Love shouldn't hurt like that :(

3. Why am I thinking about you when I shouldn't anymore?

4. Why am I unmotivated? Oh I know that answer to this question: SEMBREAK. Three. More. Weeks.

5. I've been here before, but really, how do you actually know know?

Garbology

Maybe I'm just PMS-ing, but I'm thinking about the things I hate right now.

It all started when I saw a guy deliberately throw his garbage on the road outside the building where my parents' office is at just a couple of hours ago. I was walking towards him to our car, looking at a distance, and he was walking towards me as well, heading for the building entrance. He suddenly stopped, released a crumple of paper into a gap on the cement floor where he stood, looked at it for a second, then continued on his way. I gazed at the trash he left, then I stared at him. I lingered on his face; he was actually cute, but with what he did, he turned despicable in my eyes.

He apparently works in the building, so he probably knows that there's a garbage bin around three to five meters away from where he dropped his trash. Why on earth couldn't he afford to spend some of his energy to dispose his garbage into where it should be disposed, especially when it's almost right in front of him? Or even if he isn't right in front of a bin, what the hell is so damn difficult in placing one's mess in his/her pocket or bag first and throwing it later? I'm sorry, but I totally despise people who throw stuff anywhere, anytime. Especially parents--parents who even encourage their children to litter wherever--be it big or small garbage. Candy wrappers, pieces of paper, plastics, food containers.. UGH! My blood is really heating up! Lazy, destructive asses.

Other things that ruin my day:

1. People who chew loudly

2. People who don't return things to their proper place

3. Human parasites

4. Demanding human parasites

5. People who ask about the obvious

6. People who don't mind their own business

7. People who are too noisy

8. People who only talk to you when they need something from you

9. People who don't reply to your text, especially if it's important or if you're asking for a response or confirmation

9. People who don't live up to their promises (promise to do this, promise to be responsible for that)

10. Jeepney drivers who smoke while driving their jeepneys

11. People who don't know their place

12. People who complain too much yet don't do anything

13. People who don't flush after using the bathroom

14. People who don't know how to fall in line

15. People who think they know everything

I know, this post is so negative. I'm just stressed and pissed out, and my negativity is being projected on that pesky, environment-unfriendly man.

But still, dear reader, please be one who helps save our earth. Throw your trash where it should be thrown. No matter how small it is, no matter how organic or biodegradable, dispose of it properly. Hindi naman 'yun mahirap gawin.