2012

Before we start a new year, it's always good to look back and reflect on the year that was. So I looked back and reflected, and I think that 2011 has been the most difficult year for me to date. I faced a lot of challenges--some of which were totally my fault while some were out of my control. I really had a hard time accepting failures and mistakes. I also realized a lot about my self that I need to work on. In retrospect, I never imagined this past year to be as whirlwind-like as it was.

But towards the end of 2011, I found a certain level of peace. I learned to acknowledge my wrongdoings and flaws, and I'm in the process of accepting these so that I could let them go or do something about them. I know that doing these will remain to be a challenge, but I believe I'll get over things eventually. With the help of the people I love and who love me back plus a lot of growing up, I'll be okay.

But don't get me wrong; although 2011 has been crazy difficult, there were loads of ups as well. All in all, there were a lot of scars, but a lot of smiles came with it, too.

Now, the annual year-ender survey:

1. What did you do in 2011 that you've never done before?

Used up one entire planner for the year. Circumcised. Became an Atenean scholar. Drank Milk Tea (and got hooked on it). Went on a road trip to Batangas with my dear friends (despite my parents' disapproval). Drank a mojito. Became an NMAT volunteer for ASMPH. Had my hair permed. Tried Zumba (and got hooked on it, too!). Worked for a politics-oriented NGO. Met Manny Pacquiao in person. Spent hours and days inside the Batasang Pambansa. Rubbed elbows with big Politicians and celebrities. Became an audience in one episode of a TV show. Brought a loved one to the ER (panicking). Ate chocolate with green mango and salt. Was absent for a major exam. Ate a ginormous burger with med friends. Got a part-time job. Used entirely my own money to buy my friends and family gifts for Christmas. Won in a big-time raffle for concert tickets, complete with VIP perks. Saw Taylor Swift perform live (and almost cried in happiness). Did a mini photography gig. Sought non-medical advice from a doctor. Got my mom an autograph from her idol. Commuted to EK. Joined a drinking game. Actually hated someone. Got a Starbucks planner without buying even one drink (I love you, Kima!). Understood what real love is (00 na, cheesy haha). Got my student driving permit. Tried to drive a car.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Sadly, I weren't able to keep all my 2011 resolutions. Fail. Hahaha. But I plan on making some for this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not super close, but some HS batchmates and orgmates gave birth to lovely babies.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully, no.

5. What countries did you visit?

None. AGAIN :(

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

An iPad, oven and camera please? Haha. But on a less materialistic note, more self-confidence, self-discipline and self-efficacy (just like last year). And more strength to face my fears and my flaws.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

• OMGOMGOMG winning tickets to Taylor Swift's Manila concert and the entire concert experience! Highlight of my year!
• Pyrolympics <3
• Finding out that my scholarship application was approved :')
• When those sweet words were said. Finally :)
• Was that August 2, when I made a super booboo? Hahaha. Sorry na, Borbs! :p
• My 22nd birthday
• Noche Buena
• November 29-30 with Tgang love! Sampalan + 9gag drinking board game + wish lanterns + Nutella + forever friends = bonding like no other :)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Getting a scholarship, hands down. It was the best blessing of 2011 for me and my family.

9. What was your biggest failure?

A loooot. Of course there's acad-related failures; then there's more personal ones. I'd rather not discuss the latter here.

10. Did you suffer any illness of injury?

Terrible bouts of dysmenorrhea ever month and some problems here and there.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Again, med books? Haha. And the Adarna children books and journals that I added to my prized collections :) Also, I discovered the thin, yellow Sharpie highlighter and the blue green Stabilo highlighter, which I love to use now!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My HS kada, my med school pals, and most of all, Borbs :)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

ATE JONI @$#%!* Hahaha. Ka-bwisit. And some people I'd rather not name.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Like last year, on transes, highlighters, photocopies, med school reviewers and books. But instead of Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts, I consumed a lot of Milk Tea, Cobra, Bacchus and Nescafe Espresso Roast--a bit cheaper but still unhealthy. Haha.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Semestral break and Christmas break! Hahaha. --EXACTLYYY! And the summer escapade with my HS kada and that sembreak EK trip.

16. What song/s will always remind you of 2011?

Party Rock Anthem, Super Bass and Love on Top! Hahaha.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier or sadder? - Unfortunately, sadder. But I'm more hopeful.

Richer or poorer? - Poorer? But I'll be getting my pay soon, so richer na din siguro. Haha.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Praying. Spending time with my family and friends. Studying with real understanding.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Stressing out, procrastinating and worrying.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Spent it with my dear family, as usual. We had a simple yet happy Noche Buena :)

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

Stayed in love :)

22. How many one-night stands?

Zero.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

Still Grey's Anatomy, HIMYM, The Big Bang Theory. The new additions were Modern Family and New Girl.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Same as #13.

25. What was the best book you read?

Robbins and Contrans Pathologic Basis of Disease 6e. Haha. Plus I'm reading One Day and I'm loving it.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Nicki Minaj! I memorized Super Bass. Haha.

27. What did you want and got?

Shoes? Haha. Seriously, my med school scholarship that our family badly needed :')

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Hmm, I didn't get to watch a lot of movies, but I loved Tangled, Crazy, Stupid Love and The Immortals!

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 22! It was a normal school day that my friends and family made extra special. After a lunch meeting on the 4th floor, my med pals were waiting for me on the 3rd floor to surprise me. There were gifts, cakes, flowers and yummy sisig and rice! Sadly, I had to rush back to our room on the 2nd floor because our group was the one in charge to transcribe the lecture. My friends were left on the third floor "celebrating" my birthday while I was typing my heart out in class. Haha. Then, my family and I went out for dinner at North Park. Even my Dad and brother Jay drove from Tanay to Pasig on a weekday to celebrate my birthday with me, so I was really happy that we were complete. I love my friends and family :)

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Not necessarily more satisfying, but happier, I guess? Having my Dad well.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010.

Loud colors. Tucked-in tops. Shorts. Polos. Florals. Stripes. Casual vintage, basically. --SAME. It seems that my fashion did not grow a bit. Haha.

32. What kept you sane?

Not just what but who, too. My family and friends. Borbs. The idea that tomorrow will always be a brighter day.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Like the past years, I love Rachel Bilson, Kate Beckinsale, Anne Curtis, Rachel Adams, Taylor Swift, Jessica Alba, Scarlet Johansson, Kate Bosworth, and Anne Hathaway. Plus Rhian Ramos when she spoofed Super Bass and Victoria's Secrets hotties like Miranda Kerr.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

The RH bill.

35. Who did you miss?

My college and HS friends!

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Hmm, this is hard. I met a number of new friends, but I guess the best were my Blue Platito and SCOPE orgmates plus Jacq and Jill Pardo from PLM.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

There were a LOT of valuable life lessons! But one quote that somehow captures everything is this: "I can be changed by what happens to me. I refuse to be reduced by it."

38. Quote a song lyric that sums ups your year.

I loved Videoke-singing this song during the break: "Even if there is pain now, everything will be alright for as long as the world still turns there will be night and day. Can you hear me? There's a rainbow always after the rain."

I end this post with another quote:

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself." -Neil Gaiman

2012 will be exciting and meaningful, I know it :)

Sweet September

September breezed through very quickly, what with all the daily stress and exhaustion. Thankfully though, despite the craziness of it all, I still felt that it was my birthday month thanks to my family and friends. I seriously had a simple, lovely and happy birthday. Thank you for all the wonderful people in my life, Lord.

And although I've been really down and confused recently, I've somehow bounced back. Giving up should never be an option, not until I know I've given it my all all. Because really, I know I can still push harder by believing in my dreams and believing in my self. I can do this. I CAN DO THIS.

Thank you again, Lord, for making me realize that I am not alone in this and that I can surpass my failures. That 3.5 hours spent with you was what I really needed. For now, I have to face a little change of perspective, disposition and priorities, and lot of change in studying habits. Again, mantra to self: I can do this.

As for love.. Well, I love love. Lol. I do hope you know by now that I am and will always be a hopeless romantic. I love thrills. I love frills. Still, at the end of the day, although I get clingy and dramatic at times, I am actually a simple girl with a simple wish. I know this path that we chose is and will continue on taking our time away from us, but all I really wish for is someone who's not just there. I wish for someone who wants to be with me and makes me feel that. Let's try a little bit harder, yes? Because I also want to be that someone for you.

To going on more (cheap) food trips (while keeping fit because of the pageant we'll be in HAHAHA JOKE), getting our pedicure at Nail It again, studying a whole lot more, learning a whole lot better, and spending bits of cheesy quality time in between our busy scheds. We can do this :)

GV to start a study-filled Saturday. Hello, October! :)

Come and Go

So far, my project 365 is still alive. Wuptedoo to me! The downside of it is that I don't get to blog here anymore. Microblogging is just waaay easier. It's a no-brainer, actually--perfect for med school students who already overuse their brain cells in school but still want to post something related to their daily crazy life. Haha. But now that I have a day to spare since we don't have classes (Happy Ateneo President's day!), I'm going to try to contemplate on the past few days and write.

The last concluded module was that of the Endocrine system. It was difficult yet brisk, running for only six days but with effortful requirements and topics. I honestly don't know if I'll pass or fail this module. Hopefully I will, but if I don't, then it's God's way of telling me that I need to learn more about Endo. So despite the scariness of it all, the potentiality of another module removal exam, I'm okay. There's still fear and anxiety, but I'm okay. I'm here to learn and not just pass my subjects, anyway :)

Saturday came, and it was MedGroove and MedRhythmia 2011 time. Six med schools from all over NCR joined together and exhibited their dancing and singing skills, respectively. It was such an awesome show, as if the performers weren't med students at all! Haha. Thankfully, the Ateneo contingents (the Ateneo Medicine Dance Group and Ateneo VoX) won, both grabbing the 2nd place in the two competitions. I was so proud, I caught sight of a blue eagle and felt blue blood running in my veins. LOL. Haha. But seriously, I was so proud of them because most of the performers were my friends, and I knew how much they worked hard for the competition. Congratulations, AMDG and Vox! One big fight!

Yet shortly after the happiness came sadness. A 2nd year medical student from our school passed away due to myocardial infarction or heart attack. I don't know him personally, but I feel so affected with what happened. I'm thinking of his dream of becoming a doctor, the friends he left behind, the family who loves him.. It's so sad that he's now gone. That quick. That fast. It's just another reminder of how fleet and sudden life can go, and if we don't live it to the fullest, we might regret it once things end unexpectedly.

May you rest in peace, Darryl Martin. I'm praying for you and your family.

Bawal magpanic.

One thing at a time, Bea. One thing at a time.

Fundal Grip

Although I measured the fundal height of my antepartum patient almost 10 inches off its correct value, miscalculated my patient's AOG (age of gestation) wrong because I failed to note that February only has 28 days, and got a terror preceptor who told me that I should go to an EENT doctor because I couldn't hear the heart tone of the baby inside my patient's womb during my practical exam, today still has been a good day.

I went to a government hospital not as a visitor or as an observer but as someone doing real hospital work. I was exposed to a real-life hospital setting where three patients shared one bed and pregnant mothers patiently fell in line standing. I faced real antepartum and postpartum patients. I learned a lot. I grew a lot.

Tomorrow, I am sure, will be another good day. It'll be a more better-er day even, for more comparativeness. I'm just so excited to be at the labor room and delivery room tomorrow, I actually can't wait to wake up and return to Quezon Memorial Medical Center come morning. Haha.

Happiness--this is how it should feel like :)

I have 11 more minutes before I start studying again. Wait, make that 10 minutes.

Aaah, time. We lack that. Being a med student is life-changing and meaningful and fun and all, but the time they give us to learn is just not enough. I wish med students had 30-hour days, or 3-day weekends, or 6-day weekdays so that we could have more time preparing ourselves to save lives in the future.

But we all have to do with 24 hours. I've been spending my nights studying, my weekends studying, my free time studying. It's become a vicious cycle of study, eat, sleep a bit, go to class, then study, eat, sleep a bit and go to class again. Again and again and again. Of course there are moments of laziness and socializing here and there, but the bulk of it all is spent on being face to face with pages of transes and med books.

I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss having time for myself. I miss doing the things I love. But what the heck, I'm loving med school too, so maybe all this lack of time for everything outside med school will really pay off in the future. It really will.

***

Three minutes to go before 11:30! After I've gotten this time thought out of my system, off to my 2011 resolutions!

1. Study more. Yes, I didn't study enough last year. I know that because I'm aware that I can do so much more if I just pushed myself harder. My first exam of the year went great thanks to my newly discovered perfect personal study habits, but I just hope I can consistently pull it off.
2. Exercise. I miss jogging and doing my video exercise thingies, but due to lack of time and energy, I haven't exercised at all since 2011 set in. Here's to at least two physical activities per week!
3. Cook/bake. One dish/recipe per month is reasonable enough, right? I'm so excited for this! Will blog about my cooking escapades here.
4. Write. I should blog or write on my journal at least once a week. I love reading back on my previous jots because it reminds me of the things that mattered to me in the past and the things that made me happy.
5. Save. SUPER DUPER MEGA RESOLUTION! Hahaha. I eat and shop and buy a lot, my savings are kaput now :( So I'll start putting P5 and P10 coins into Boink (my piggy pank) from now on, and maybe stash at least P100 in my account from my weekly allowance. That'll do.
6. Keep the happiness and zest. I'm the type of person who gets bored easily. So paano na 'yan, med can be boring AND it's super tiring pa :| So I just need to constantly remind myself that I want this and this will all pay off in the future. And to prevent times of stress and burnout, I should allow myself to do something I like once a week. It can be as simple as eating froyo or watching an episode of a series or sleeping for more than four hours, or as grand as getting a massage (AAAAHHH KAILANGAN KO 'TO) or watching a flick or having a coffee date with myself, as long as I give myself a break, but only when I can afford it--time-wise and money-wise. Hahaha.
7. Stick to Him. Enough said :)

So there. Seven resolutions. I can do this! :)

Quickie

Sheltered

Shot in Quiapo

• So this is how being espresso-powered feels like. Add Kesha's Tick Tock (and some dancing and head-bobbing) and I think I can last until 5AM like this. I will make this Scope pubmat pretty!
• Hay.
• Last two exams, two management papers, and one management report to go! Fight, Bea!
• I'm seriously loving the Gastro-intestinal-Nutrition module :) Well, except the Biochem part.
• Learning how to actually count calories from food and knowing the exact amounts of food groups needed by the body made me more food-conscious. I love thinking about health. Haha.
• Winter Wonderland by Jason Mraz ♥
• Christmas shopping in a few!
• CHRISTMAAAS ♥

TODAY WILL BE PRODUCTIVE.

TODAY WILL BE PRODUCTIVE.

TODAY WILL BE PRODUCTIVE.

Being Super

Today, our prof brought her 6-year old son with her to class. While she was lecturing on how lipids are metabolized by the body, his son--bored and restless--took his pants down in the middle of the room and exposed his butt to everyone. Another time, he made peace signs on the projected slides. He counted the number of ATP produced in the metabolic reaction with us. He also adorably hugged his mom's hips while she was discussing.

We were undoubtedly distracted by him, but it was kind of a good distraction for me. I was inspired by the distraction, actually. That's two of my biggest dreams, right then and there. To be a good doctor and to be a good mother at the same time. It can be done, it can be done. Yay happy vibes :)

Acetyl CoA

Hello to a nerdy Biochem-filled weekend!

Trials

I don't want to rant about how draining my week had been anymore because nothing changes; every week in med school is hell week. It's just a cycle of trying to stay awake and alert to listen to endless lectures, trying to stay awake to study the endless lectures you didn't understand in class because you couldn't stay awake and alert enough, and trying to squeeze into your heads the endless lectures you didn't understand in class because you couldn't stay awake and alert enough but eventually failing to do so because they are just so much (and because you couldn't stay awake and alert enough to understand them all either). Week in, week out, life's like this. This is our reality as med students.

And I know, it'll also just be redundant and useless if I keep on complaining about how crazy med school is and how it sometimes takes the life out of me when med school life is inadvertently like that. I want to stop asking myself if I made the right decision in pursuing medicine. I want to stop being confused if this is what I really want to do for the rest of my life. I want to stop doubting my capabilities and capacities as a person whenever I don't perform well as a med student.

But I just can't. I can't stop ranting. I can't stop being lost. I can't stop being anxious. I can't stop being afraid. Med school is testing me and pushing me to my limits, and I don't know if I can and want to still handle it. It's not just the work load, stress, and uncertainty, of course. A lot of other factors add to all this confusion. The bottom line remains, nevertheless, on whether my heart really lies in this profession or not.

Thankfully, having young, fresh grad doctors as preceptors somehow inspired me. Seeing them looking (gorgeously) youthful yet professional, knowing they got through 5++ years of info overload torture, hearing how great and adept they are in and out of class, and feeling how they are fulfilled to be where they are right now--all these made the craziness of med school a bit bearable. It really is tough, and no one can't do anything about it. But the dire work will definitely pay off after a couple of years, right? If I survive all these, I will be like the preceptors who I look up to now. If I just stop being so unmotivated and scared and push myself to do more, I will finish this and I will become a good doctor, too.

So push, Bea. Push.

:)

Lacking

Time

Sleep

Energy

Money

Motivation

Who Are You?

FREEDOM

The past weeks had been excruciatingly tiresome and eventful, I can't even believe that I've survived it. The best part of it all? I can officially say that I am done with my first semester in med school. WHAT UP. WHAAAAT IS UP.

Okay, so maybe I might take a removal exam for the Cardio-Pulmo module. Or maybe not even half of what I learned in the past months would be retained in my head. But I am just so tired of studying that all I can think about is the awesome feeling of having nothing to do at all. And here I am, basking in that feeling. Ah, sweet, sweet freedom!

Things I learned/realized/experienced:

• I cannot donate blood because I am underweight. I even tried twice, in two different occasions. But then again, I feel fat. Well, I got really fatter. Ask my friends. I just don't know why my weight more or less stays the same and yet I have definitely grown unwillingly horizontal.
• Tummy size is directly proportional to stress.
• I lost my stethoscope. Perfect opportunity to buy a Littmann steth? Haha.
• Sleep = death, most especially during the night before the exam. I should never ever trust my forever-alarm clock-snoozing self again.
• Shopping for a party dress three hours before the party is a bad idea.
• I really need to study study. I am not learning :(
• I missed dressing up. Being in uniform five times a week should be enough motivation for me to dress up during weekends and not just settle for my quick, hassle-free, regular apparel (AKA loose shirt and shorts).
• Inspect, palpate, percuss, auscultate.
• Staring blankly into space = new hobby.
• Goodbye, Pulmonology. There's no way I'm having you as my specialization.
• The strongest people can be the weakest ones because of love :(
• I worry too much.
• My Photoshop skills are rusty already :-s
• Wild Card was great! Congrats to everyone, especially to Borbs and Aileen! :)
• I really missed you :)

Yaaaay, free time at last! ♥

Why A Medical Profession?

Reposted from one of my old blogs:

Simple lang 'yan. Medicine is not for everyone talaga. Ilan ilang tao lang ang dapat maging doktor.

Kung gusto mo mag-abroad, mag-nursing ka.
Kung gusto mo maging prestigious, mag-politics ka.
Kung gusto mo sumikat, mag-artista ka.
Kung gusto mo yumaman, mag-business ka.

Pero kung gusto mo talaga maging manggagamot sa kabila nang lahat, kung gusto mo talaga tumulong sa kapwa mong maysakit, kung alam mo na wala kang ibang gustong gawin kundi magdoktor, kung alam mo matalino at matiyaga ka, at kayang bayaran ng magulang mo ang matrikula mo, mag-medisina ka. Kung kaya mong maghirap, magpuyat, magsakripisyo ng 10 taon mahigit, mag-medisina ka. Kung ayaw mo, huwag mo, at huwag magpapilit sa magulang.

-eclipse83, Peyups forum

All Piled Up

Even my cute stuffed toy is pooped because of med.

Facing Death

I know I've either been microblogging or posting in bullets lately because it's easier and quicker. Blame it on my wicked med school schedule and requirements. But reading my previous posts, I realized that short and structured entries still aren't the same as entries made of strings of words and paragraphs. It's like there's something missing; it's as if the spirit of the post is lost without an accompanying story-telling to it. Or maybe I just missed writing lengthy entries.

Whatever it is, at least here I am, trying to compose a decent paragraph-filled entry again. There's actually so many things to write about if I only had the time, and it's sad that I wasn't able to write about them when the memories were still fresh and real. So now, I'll just type type type away and see where my current sabaw and coffee-fueled self will take me.

***

They say that you're officially a medical student when you start cadaver dissection. It's been more or less three weeks since we entered that particular phase of our med school life, and all I can say is that it's been life-changing.

I dissected a frog, a cat, and even a cockroach before, but dissecting an actual human being is certainly different. Faaaar different. Although a part of me has grown quite used to the tedious slicing and cutting done almost everyday, the whole experience of opening a body of a person is still somehow unreal to me. I think it's probably because our cadaver's face is still covered with cheese cloth, and all we got to see and touch recently were his upper and lower extremities. Possibly, the fact that I haven't seen his face--how his lips curve, what shade his eyebrows are, how his nose look, or what facial expression he left before he passed away--is why I can carry on dissecting him without being scared or at least moved in an all new level.

I know I shouldn't be scared. I should even be thankful because this person gave his body for us to learn and be able to save people in the future. But honestly, I can't help but be afraid. Why? Because I am afraid of losing people. I am afraid of death.

Having a cadaver in front of me reminded me of how people can come and go so instantly. In a snap of a second, in a flash of light, in a speck of a moment, we can lose the people we love. And it made me think about the people who our cadaver left behind. I know it's none of my business, but certain questions brushed my mind: Do his loved ones know that he's gone? Why didn't they claim his body? Do they know where he is? Do they miss him?

In addition, I thought about how death will inevitably arrive, whether we like it our not. We can likewise lose our own lives in a snap of a second, in a flash of light, in a speck of a moment. This then made me wonder about our cadaver and the person who he was. Did he know he was about to die when he did? What was he like? What did he do? What were the things that he loved? What were his fondest memories? What defined his life?

I know all these questions of mine will remain as questions. Next week, we will be able to see our cadaver's face as we dissect his head and neck. Although I'm still not ready, I am hoping that wherever our cadaver is right now, he is aware that we are very grateful for the sacrifice that he offered to us and that we will not put his gift to waste. Also, I would like to thank him for reminding me that not only is life lived, but is it is also shared. And it is never too late to make a difference in other people's lives, just like how he made a difference in mine.

Thank you for sharing your life to us. May God bless your soul.

It's during times like these when my passion, strength, and determination are tested.

I am a stressed, fat, mediocre, and ugly med student who won't (or shouldn't) be sleeping tonight :(

Lethargy

My dose of energy + my dear B- and T-lymphocytes

***

Greetings from Starbucks Megamall. I just had to take a break from histology, hematology ang immunology, hence the random camera phone photo and post.

How I wish I could simply laze around and stare into outerspace.

P.S. The baristas here let me try drawing on the Starbucks blackboard. I (awfully) sketched a Coffee Jelly frap. That's one down out of my gazillion dreams in life :)