And I know, it'll also just be redundant and useless if I keep on complaining about how crazy med school is and how it sometimes takes the life out of me when med school life is inadvertently like that. I want to stop asking myself if I made the right decision in pursuing medicine. I want to stop being confused if this is what I really want to do for the rest of my life. I want to stop doubting my capabilities and capacities as a person whenever I don't perform well as a med student.
But I just can't. I can't stop ranting. I can't stop being lost. I can't stop being anxious. I can't stop being afraid. Med school is testing me and pushing me to my limits, and I don't know if I can and want to still handle it. It's not just the work load, stress, and uncertainty, of course. A lot of other factors add to all this confusion. The bottom line remains, nevertheless, on whether my heart really lies in this profession or not.
Thankfully, having young, fresh grad doctors as preceptors somehow inspired me. Seeing them looking (gorgeously) youthful yet professional, knowing they got through 5++ years of info overload torture, hearing how great and adept they are in and out of class, and feeling how they are fulfilled to be where they are right now--all these made the craziness of med school a bit bearable. It really is tough, and no one can't do anything about it. But the dire work will definitely pay off after a couple of years, right? If I survive all these, I will be like the preceptors who I look up to now. If I just stop being so unmotivated and scared and push myself to do more, I will finish this and I will become a good doctor, too.
So push, Bea. Push.
