Trust and Hope

When we feel that everything's seriously messed up and we don't know what to do anymore, we may have this tendency to bottle ourselves up, hoping that by putting a wall around ourselves, we would manage to sort things out on our own. Well, at least I had that tendency. A lot of things have constantly been bothering me no matter how I hard I try to shrug it off. Some recent occurrences even sparked bad memories that I would rather just keep in the deepest, darkest part of my head. And since it's a given fact that the best person to help us when life seems to give us pins and needles is our own selves, I thought that I had to learn to deal with everything by myself for me to become stronger and more resilient. I had to learn to become really independent and settle stuff with my self first before actually involving other people in my life.

Nonetheless, having said these, I still didn't know what I should do. All I knew was I had to jumpstart all the changes that I need to do for myself, for the people I love, and for my dreams; I had to bring my proper senses back right in time for 2012's entrance, hopefully giving me some sort of new direction. Thankfully, that talk I had with someone yesterday was like the fresh air I've been badly gasping for. He made me realize that I can indeed be alone if I really wanted to, but I don't have to be. He made me realize that hardships are better shared, especially if people are more than willing to share it with you.

So thank you, you, for sticking with me despite everything. Thank you for sharing true love and friendship with me. You are a blessing, really. I'm so lucky to have you :)

I'll probably write a year-ender post of some sort tomorrow, but for now, all I'm sure is that 2012 will be a better year for me. 2012 will surely be a year of being stronger and more confident, learning to say no, having more faith and trust, being real, and living with true love.

Now, time do my Histopath manual with a smile.

Sweet September

September breezed through very quickly, what with all the daily stress and exhaustion. Thankfully though, despite the craziness of it all, I still felt that it was my birthday month thanks to my family and friends. I seriously had a simple, lovely and happy birthday. Thank you for all the wonderful people in my life, Lord.

And although I've been really down and confused recently, I've somehow bounced back. Giving up should never be an option, not until I know I've given it my all all. Because really, I know I can still push harder by believing in my dreams and believing in my self. I can do this. I CAN DO THIS.

Thank you again, Lord, for making me realize that I am not alone in this and that I can surpass my failures. That 3.5 hours spent with you was what I really needed. For now, I have to face a little change of perspective, disposition and priorities, and lot of change in studying habits. Again, mantra to self: I can do this.

As for love.. Well, I love love. Lol. I do hope you know by now that I am and will always be a hopeless romantic. I love thrills. I love frills. Still, at the end of the day, although I get clingy and dramatic at times, I am actually a simple girl with a simple wish. I know this path that we chose is and will continue on taking our time away from us, but all I really wish for is someone who's not just there. I wish for someone who wants to be with me and makes me feel that. Let's try a little bit harder, yes? Because I also want to be that someone for you.

To going on more (cheap) food trips (while keeping fit because of the pageant we'll be in HAHAHA JOKE), getting our pedicure at Nail It again, studying a whole lot more, learning a whole lot better, and spending bits of cheesy quality time in between our busy scheds. We can do this :)

GV to start a study-filled Saturday. Hello, October! :)

OH, JOY

I am ecstatic. I am overjoyed. I am overwhelmed. Thank you, Lord. THANK YOU SO MUCH :')

Obviously, my prayers were heard. After a crazy morning yesterday, I left UP with a big smile, some happy tears, and a heart that's overflowing with gratitude. Finally, I passed Organic Chemistry. Finally, I can say that I am going to graduate this April. Finally, I am sure that I am going to be able to pursue medicine this coming school year. Finally.

My brother said that experiences like these build character, and indeed, how my character has changed for the better in the past weeks is noteworthy. It was certainly a struggle, maybe not for a number of my Org Chem-inclined classmates, but for me and some of my other peers. Not only did we have the most dreaded Org Chem prof who gives the most complex exams and teaches not so student-friendlily, Chemistry and I don't really mix well. I decided to take it at the start of the sem, nonetheless, in order to get into ASMPH, as well as to prepare for med school.

My pre-finals performance was below average, that's why I was immensely scared. I had to do really good in the finals in order for me to pass the subject and graduate on time. The pressure of everything weighed me down many times: graduating with Mandala X and graduating per se, med school and the big confirmation fee that was non-refundable, my future, others' expectations, my ego. Everything. It was hard to study and not to ruminate or think counterfactually when heavy stuff like these relied on how I will do in the finals. I cried at times, I was burned out, but after a couple of minutes, I would pick myself up and fight again. My dreams, my inspirations, my social support group, and my faith helped me get through this anxiety-rimming part of my life. I wouldn't have gotten through this without the latter two most especially.

I had to endure almost a week of painstaking waiting before our professor released the results of the exam. Can you imagine the level of anxiety that I endured? It went waaay overboard. Ask my mom. Still, I am very thankful for this experience because I realized how detached I have been from the Lord. I was too busy with my school and org work that I neglected him. I only came to him when I needed him, which is disappointing and ungrateful of me. Nonetheless, the Lord helped me through this part of my life. I prayed very hard. I talked to him constantly. I trusted Him. Thankfully, He answered my plea.

This experience showed me how life-changing having faith in the Lord is, how faith can truly lead us through our predicaments. I was not confident that I performed as good as I should have in the finals, but I believed that the Lord will make everything okay in the end. And he did make everything okay in the end. It spent quite a while, but the wait was worth it. I passed. What the ef, I passed. I PASSED I PASSED I PASSED! Everything seems so surreal, like a dream that came true. Humongous thanks, Lord. You're the best :')

I found out my grade just yesterday, and it was both the hardest and happiest day of my life. I was initially doomed because my prof said that I got a grade of 4.0, which meant that I still had to take the removal exam. I was heartbroken because I was only 15 points shy of passing. That was equivalent to 6 correct items in the finals (2.5 points per item). Moreover, my prof told me that I couldn't take an early removal exam because he was going to leave today, and he was the only one who could give the early removal exam. Regular removal exams will be scheduled within the summer semester, which was too late for me because all my grades should be in by this Saturday so that I could graduate this April. I almost died there due to a combination of my prof's irritation and rage (he didn't like crying, emotional students) and my sad Org Chem fate. I wanted to cry myself to sleep on the corridor along my prof's office and wake up five years after. Lol.

I still tried to apply for an early removal exam despite the great uncertainty of it all, though. I went to the College of Science and to AS 101 puffy-eyed and in tears, settling the removal exam permit while receiving weird glances from the staff and students. I went back to the Institute of Chemistry and waited for my prof to sign the permit. He came back two hours later, with his lesson plan in hand. He asked me if I was going to take the early removal exam and I said yes, trying to fight the build up of emotion inside of me. He then laughed and said that he recalculated our class' grades. He had mixed up my score with another score. "Ito na final grade mo," he told me, while pointing to a pencil-written '3.0' across my name on his class record. I instantly broke into tears. I approached my prof and wanted to hug him, but he shooed me away. Haha. Genuine happiness, really. Thank you, Doc Q :')

So there. I just had to make this entry as detailed as possible so I won't forget this important phase in my life. I thought things will end up badly, but it didn't, fortunately. The biggest reason behind this is because I had faith in the Lord. I experienced for myself the saying that "with God, nothing is impossible." Truly, there is always a way if you simply believe in Him while doing your part as well. I also learned that your efforts will pay off as long as you put your heart and soul into it. I pushed myself to the limit for the finals, and I was able to do it. I still can't believe it until now, in fact. Hehe. Lastly, you can never survive without your loved ones. A number of people knew about what I was going through, and they constantly helped me through it. For that I am extremely thankful.

Ma, thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for sacrificing your time and effort to stay with me during my long Starbucks study sessions, for taking me to and from school, for keeping me going when I wanted to give up, for understanding me and my emotionality. Dad, thank you for believing in me this much. Thank you for all the prayers. Thank you for the endless support and love.

To my brothers, thank you for constantly cheering for me and making me less cranky when I'm stressed. Hehe. Thank you to my dear friends Jem, Mica, Zoe, Kat, Ivan, Tupe, Edson, Ate Marize, Ate Eloi, Gab, Reg, and Hoby for being with me during my lowest moments. Your words of encouragement and prayers seriously helped me a lot through this. Thank you for being real and for simply believing in me. You're all so awesome.

Okay, this entry is super duper long already so I'll stop now. Yay to a happy, grateful, graduating future-med-student Bea :)

The Things That Truly Matter

I haven't feared for anything this much ever in my life. On the other hand, I haven't prayed and had faith this much either. Lord, I trust in You. I know You will not let me down.

***

So the past week has been filled with lots of emotions. The anxiety that I've been experiencing is more than I can handle, but thanks to my family and my friends, I've remained somehow sane. I realized a lot of things about life because of what I'm going through. I wish I wouldn't have to be in this situation again, but I'm very thankful for the big and small things that I'm getting from this experience. I just wish that I come out of this phase of my life stronger, more confident, and more conscientious than ever. And hopefully, with a Bachelor in Science degree in Psychology.

Good thing it was Holy Week, too, because I was able to reflect and pray. I went to Church everyday and prayed, prayed, prayed. I haven't been a good Catholic admittedly--not being able to go to mass regularly--but my faith in Jesus has never faltered. Although it did not always surface as much as it should be, I always believe. In times of doubt, fear, and uncertainty, what is always certain is that He is there. He will take care of us. He will bless and guide us through it all.

Lord, I have faith in You. I know You will not forsake me.