Resolutions

22 resolutions now that I'm 22.

1. Stop doing multiple tasks at one time. Rather, focus first on one task, then shift to another one when the former is accomplished. (For example, I have my Epidemiology readings, my Histopathology slides, and Facebook open while I'm doing this blog post. It's not multi-tasking anymore; it's counterproductivity :|)
2. Listen in class and take down notes as much as I can.
3. Write more and take more photos.
4. Exercise at least twice a week. I should try to play badminton again if I plan on joining the varsity team next year.
5. Study everyday and not just panic study on weekends.
6. Eat more fruits and vegetables; consume less coffee, milk tea (huhu) and energy drinks.
7. Choose to drink water always.
8. Watch the news and read the newspaper more.
9. Study at the library every Saturday.
10. Attend mass every Sunday. It's best to go early in the morning so that I could start studying right after.
11. Try to fill up Boinky the Piggy Bank as much as I can.
12. Organize your life always. Since making lists and outlines work for me, then I should put extra effort to make them.
13. No more procrastinating. Text and go online less.
14. Keep things simple. Be practical.
15. Learn to say no.
16. Read at least 5 non-med books this year.
17. Know your priorities and stick with them.
18. Do something good and fun everyday and write about it.
19. Do something different every month. There's no growth in the familiar and the usual.
20. Keep it real.
21. Family first.
22. Pray.

2012

Before we start a new year, it's always good to look back and reflect on the year that was. So I looked back and reflected, and I think that 2011 has been the most difficult year for me to date. I faced a lot of challenges--some of which were totally my fault while some were out of my control. I really had a hard time accepting failures and mistakes. I also realized a lot about my self that I need to work on. In retrospect, I never imagined this past year to be as whirlwind-like as it was.

But towards the end of 2011, I found a certain level of peace. I learned to acknowledge my wrongdoings and flaws, and I'm in the process of accepting these so that I could let them go or do something about them. I know that doing these will remain to be a challenge, but I believe I'll get over things eventually. With the help of the people I love and who love me back plus a lot of growing up, I'll be okay.

But don't get me wrong; although 2011 has been crazy difficult, there were loads of ups as well. All in all, there were a lot of scars, but a lot of smiles came with it, too.

Now, the annual year-ender survey:

1. What did you do in 2011 that you've never done before?

Used up one entire planner for the year. Circumcised. Became an Atenean scholar. Drank Milk Tea (and got hooked on it). Went on a road trip to Batangas with my dear friends (despite my parents' disapproval). Drank a mojito. Became an NMAT volunteer for ASMPH. Had my hair permed. Tried Zumba (and got hooked on it, too!). Worked for a politics-oriented NGO. Met Manny Pacquiao in person. Spent hours and days inside the Batasang Pambansa. Rubbed elbows with big Politicians and celebrities. Became an audience in one episode of a TV show. Brought a loved one to the ER (panicking). Ate chocolate with green mango and salt. Was absent for a major exam. Ate a ginormous burger with med friends. Got a part-time job. Used entirely my own money to buy my friends and family gifts for Christmas. Won in a big-time raffle for concert tickets, complete with VIP perks. Saw Taylor Swift perform live (and almost cried in happiness). Did a mini photography gig. Sought non-medical advice from a doctor. Got my mom an autograph from her idol. Commuted to EK. Joined a drinking game. Actually hated someone. Got a Starbucks planner without buying even one drink (I love you, Kima!). Understood what real love is (00 na, cheesy haha). Got my student driving permit. Tried to drive a car.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Sadly, I weren't able to keep all my 2011 resolutions. Fail. Hahaha. But I plan on making some for this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not super close, but some HS batchmates and orgmates gave birth to lovely babies.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully, no.

5. What countries did you visit?

None. AGAIN :(

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

An iPad, oven and camera please? Haha. But on a less materialistic note, more self-confidence, self-discipline and self-efficacy (just like last year). And more strength to face my fears and my flaws.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

• OMGOMGOMG winning tickets to Taylor Swift's Manila concert and the entire concert experience! Highlight of my year!
• Pyrolympics <3
• Finding out that my scholarship application was approved :')
• When those sweet words were said. Finally :)
• Was that August 2, when I made a super booboo? Hahaha. Sorry na, Borbs! :p
• My 22nd birthday
• Noche Buena
• November 29-30 with Tgang love! Sampalan + 9gag drinking board game + wish lanterns + Nutella + forever friends = bonding like no other :)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Getting a scholarship, hands down. It was the best blessing of 2011 for me and my family.

9. What was your biggest failure?

A loooot. Of course there's acad-related failures; then there's more personal ones. I'd rather not discuss the latter here.

10. Did you suffer any illness of injury?

Terrible bouts of dysmenorrhea ever month and some problems here and there.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Again, med books? Haha. And the Adarna children books and journals that I added to my prized collections :) Also, I discovered the thin, yellow Sharpie highlighter and the blue green Stabilo highlighter, which I love to use now!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My HS kada, my med school pals, and most of all, Borbs :)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

ATE JONI @$#%!* Hahaha. Ka-bwisit. And some people I'd rather not name.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Like last year, on transes, highlighters, photocopies, med school reviewers and books. But instead of Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts, I consumed a lot of Milk Tea, Cobra, Bacchus and Nescafe Espresso Roast--a bit cheaper but still unhealthy. Haha.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Semestral break and Christmas break! Hahaha. --EXACTLYYY! And the summer escapade with my HS kada and that sembreak EK trip.

16. What song/s will always remind you of 2011?

Party Rock Anthem, Super Bass and Love on Top! Hahaha.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier or sadder? - Unfortunately, sadder. But I'm more hopeful.

Richer or poorer? - Poorer? But I'll be getting my pay soon, so richer na din siguro. Haha.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Praying. Spending time with my family and friends. Studying with real understanding.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Stressing out, procrastinating and worrying.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Spent it with my dear family, as usual. We had a simple yet happy Noche Buena :)

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

Stayed in love :)

22. How many one-night stands?

Zero.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

Still Grey's Anatomy, HIMYM, The Big Bang Theory. The new additions were Modern Family and New Girl.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Same as #13.

25. What was the best book you read?

Robbins and Contrans Pathologic Basis of Disease 6e. Haha. Plus I'm reading One Day and I'm loving it.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Nicki Minaj! I memorized Super Bass. Haha.

27. What did you want and got?

Shoes? Haha. Seriously, my med school scholarship that our family badly needed :')

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Hmm, I didn't get to watch a lot of movies, but I loved Tangled, Crazy, Stupid Love and The Immortals!

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 22! It was a normal school day that my friends and family made extra special. After a lunch meeting on the 4th floor, my med pals were waiting for me on the 3rd floor to surprise me. There were gifts, cakes, flowers and yummy sisig and rice! Sadly, I had to rush back to our room on the 2nd floor because our group was the one in charge to transcribe the lecture. My friends were left on the third floor "celebrating" my birthday while I was typing my heart out in class. Haha. Then, my family and I went out for dinner at North Park. Even my Dad and brother Jay drove from Tanay to Pasig on a weekday to celebrate my birthday with me, so I was really happy that we were complete. I love my friends and family :)

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Not necessarily more satisfying, but happier, I guess? Having my Dad well.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010.

Loud colors. Tucked-in tops. Shorts. Polos. Florals. Stripes. Casual vintage, basically. --SAME. It seems that my fashion did not grow a bit. Haha.

32. What kept you sane?

Not just what but who, too. My family and friends. Borbs. The idea that tomorrow will always be a brighter day.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Like the past years, I love Rachel Bilson, Kate Beckinsale, Anne Curtis, Rachel Adams, Taylor Swift, Jessica Alba, Scarlet Johansson, Kate Bosworth, and Anne Hathaway. Plus Rhian Ramos when she spoofed Super Bass and Victoria's Secrets hotties like Miranda Kerr.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

The RH bill.

35. Who did you miss?

My college and HS friends!

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Hmm, this is hard. I met a number of new friends, but I guess the best were my Blue Platito and SCOPE orgmates plus Jacq and Jill Pardo from PLM.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

There were a LOT of valuable life lessons! But one quote that somehow captures everything is this: "I can be changed by what happens to me. I refuse to be reduced by it."

38. Quote a song lyric that sums ups your year.

I loved Videoke-singing this song during the break: "Even if there is pain now, everything will be alright for as long as the world still turns there will be night and day. Can you hear me? There's a rainbow always after the rain."

I end this post with another quote:

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself." -Neil Gaiman

2012 will be exciting and meaningful, I know it :)

Long Walks

I love long walks. Like long bus rides, long walks are great opportunities for heartfelt talking and thinking. Just around two hours ago, I went for an unplanned 20-minute walk home with someone special (while nibbling on some soft, yummy pandesal), and I realized some things about my life:

• I'm thankful for my family. We may be far from perfect--actually we're quite a dysfunctional bunch if you ask me--but the minimal happy moments that we get together together are moments that mean the world to me. We all have our differences, issues and what-have-you, but graduations and Christmas are my favorite occasions because these are the only times we come together as one happy, laughing-and-reminiscing-altogether family. It is quite sad that we may have stopped looking forward as a team, but we will always have rich memories that bind us together.
• I should put down my rose-tinted glasses and start looking at life in all its colors.
• Age is directly proportional to the amount and severity of problems, the level of difficulty to lose weight, and the variety and number of lessons and experiences that you earn.
• When everything seems messed up, always remember that there are people who love you and who will help you see things through.
• I want a lover and a best friend rolled into one. I want to be someone's lover and best friend rolled into one. That would be really great :)
• I should choose happiness.
• I super kaduper want to make cupcakes and I super kaduper want an oven. (Okay, I didn't think of this while walking, but still. Hihi.)

Sweet September

September breezed through very quickly, what with all the daily stress and exhaustion. Thankfully though, despite the craziness of it all, I still felt that it was my birthday month thanks to my family and friends. I seriously had a simple, lovely and happy birthday. Thank you for all the wonderful people in my life, Lord.

And although I've been really down and confused recently, I've somehow bounced back. Giving up should never be an option, not until I know I've given it my all all. Because really, I know I can still push harder by believing in my dreams and believing in my self. I can do this. I CAN DO THIS.

Thank you again, Lord, for making me realize that I am not alone in this and that I can surpass my failures. That 3.5 hours spent with you was what I really needed. For now, I have to face a little change of perspective, disposition and priorities, and lot of change in studying habits. Again, mantra to self: I can do this.

As for love.. Well, I love love. Lol. I do hope you know by now that I am and will always be a hopeless romantic. I love thrills. I love frills. Still, at the end of the day, although I get clingy and dramatic at times, I am actually a simple girl with a simple wish. I know this path that we chose is and will continue on taking our time away from us, but all I really wish for is someone who's not just there. I wish for someone who wants to be with me and makes me feel that. Let's try a little bit harder, yes? Because I also want to be that someone for you.

To going on more (cheap) food trips (while keeping fit because of the pageant we'll be in HAHAHA JOKE), getting our pedicure at Nail It again, studying a whole lot more, learning a whole lot better, and spending bits of cheesy quality time in between our busy scheds. We can do this :)

GV to start a study-filled Saturday. Hello, October! :)

Come and Go

So far, my project 365 is still alive. Wuptedoo to me! The downside of it is that I don't get to blog here anymore. Microblogging is just waaay easier. It's a no-brainer, actually--perfect for med school students who already overuse their brain cells in school but still want to post something related to their daily crazy life. Haha. But now that I have a day to spare since we don't have classes (Happy Ateneo President's day!), I'm going to try to contemplate on the past few days and write.

The last concluded module was that of the Endocrine system. It was difficult yet brisk, running for only six days but with effortful requirements and topics. I honestly don't know if I'll pass or fail this module. Hopefully I will, but if I don't, then it's God's way of telling me that I need to learn more about Endo. So despite the scariness of it all, the potentiality of another module removal exam, I'm okay. There's still fear and anxiety, but I'm okay. I'm here to learn and not just pass my subjects, anyway :)

Saturday came, and it was MedGroove and MedRhythmia 2011 time. Six med schools from all over NCR joined together and exhibited their dancing and singing skills, respectively. It was such an awesome show, as if the performers weren't med students at all! Haha. Thankfully, the Ateneo contingents (the Ateneo Medicine Dance Group and Ateneo VoX) won, both grabbing the 2nd place in the two competitions. I was so proud, I caught sight of a blue eagle and felt blue blood running in my veins. LOL. Haha. But seriously, I was so proud of them because most of the performers were my friends, and I knew how much they worked hard for the competition. Congratulations, AMDG and Vox! One big fight!

Yet shortly after the happiness came sadness. A 2nd year medical student from our school passed away due to myocardial infarction or heart attack. I don't know him personally, but I feel so affected with what happened. I'm thinking of his dream of becoming a doctor, the friends he left behind, the family who loves him.. It's so sad that he's now gone. That quick. That fast. It's just another reminder of how fleet and sudden life can go, and if we don't live it to the fullest, we might regret it once things end unexpectedly.

May you rest in peace, Darryl Martin. I'm praying for you and your family.

We Are Family

I was supposed to wake up at 6AM so I could do a brief jog and wake up my hibernating muscles, but yet again, my alarm failed me. Or was it I who failed my alarm? I snoozed it forever and ever until I finally woke up three hours later than I should have. Oh, well. Still, Hello to a beautiful Sunday morning :)

So last night, I was at Starbucks, where I spent half of my time enjoying my coffee and reading magazines. I missed reading and just lazing around with a nice, relaxing cup of caffeine like this, not worrying about anything for a bit. The other half of my time I used on finishing two transes. Yes, I study slow, but at least I got some work done.

Then I got hungry, so I transferred to Dunkin Donuts and had my favorite Bunwich. I was being productive, when this family stepped in. A mom, a dad, two late adolescent boys and one 6 to 8-ish year-old kid. The youngest seemed to have ADHD, because once he got near the counter, he kept on shouting and tugging on his mom's top and pointing and nagging and AAAAHHH! He was really loud as in LOUD. The kind of loud that bounced off from all four walls of the room, the kind of loud that still rung inside your ears even after the loudness. I also knew that he had ADHD because he wasn't allowed by his parents to have donuts or drink sugar-y Dunkin Donuts drinks at that time of day because it'll make him more jittery and energetic.

But it doesn't end there. Their whole family was actually noisy. The mom couldn't decide which of the six nutty choco donuts displayed had the most nuts on it and kept asking if she could have more nuts on her donut. The eldest brother was asking about this combo and that combo and he just kept asking in circles. The second son could not wait to have his one choco honey-dipped muchkin. And the youngest kept screaming "pahingi ako niyaaan!," "mama, gusto ko 'nuuuun!," and "pansinin niyo naman akoooo!" His mom kept ignoring him an continued asking about nuts on her donut.

What's worse was that the four of them--the mom and the three kids--were wailing all at the same time. And they spent around 5-7 minutes on the counter before they were able to finish their order. Noise pollution, really, and not just because I was studying. They were plainly loud that the couple talking about their wedding preparations on the other table urgently left with stern looks on their faces (yes, I eavesdrop sometimes hihi).

Good thing the dad was just seated there, relaxed and all, as if he was so used to such chaos. I was a getting a bit pissed because their voices were literally hurting my ears already, but then the mother told the cashier and manager this: "nakilala niyo na ang pinakamagulong pamilya sa balat ng lupa."

And I don't know, my straight lips just turned into a small smile after hearing that. Their craziness still went on and on even if they were already seated (the father got the bunso some Boy Bawang to munch on while they all had coffee and donuts), but I didn't feel annoyed or anything anymore. Probably because I suddenly missed my own crazy family, and I realized that like this family, we also have our own quirkiness that's probably uniquely us, too. Other people may not understand, other people may smirk at us for it, but that's us. That's our family. And that's how we go. We're special like that.

I plugged my earphones into my ears and stopped eavesdropping so I could finally move on with my school life and stop minding other people's businesses. The family left after around 20 minutes, and I smiled at their youngest kid as he stepped out of Dunkin Donuts' door.

I have 11 more minutes before I start studying again. Wait, make that 10 minutes.

Aaah, time. We lack that. Being a med student is life-changing and meaningful and fun and all, but the time they give us to learn is just not enough. I wish med students had 30-hour days, or 3-day weekends, or 6-day weekdays so that we could have more time preparing ourselves to save lives in the future.

But we all have to do with 24 hours. I've been spending my nights studying, my weekends studying, my free time studying. It's become a vicious cycle of study, eat, sleep a bit, go to class, then study, eat, sleep a bit and go to class again. Again and again and again. Of course there are moments of laziness and socializing here and there, but the bulk of it all is spent on being face to face with pages of transes and med books.

I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss having time for myself. I miss doing the things I love. But what the heck, I'm loving med school too, so maybe all this lack of time for everything outside med school will really pay off in the future. It really will.

***

Three minutes to go before 11:30! After I've gotten this time thought out of my system, off to my 2011 resolutions!

1. Study more. Yes, I didn't study enough last year. I know that because I'm aware that I can do so much more if I just pushed myself harder. My first exam of the year went great thanks to my newly discovered perfect personal study habits, but I just hope I can consistently pull it off.
2. Exercise. I miss jogging and doing my video exercise thingies, but due to lack of time and energy, I haven't exercised at all since 2011 set in. Here's to at least two physical activities per week!
3. Cook/bake. One dish/recipe per month is reasonable enough, right? I'm so excited for this! Will blog about my cooking escapades here.
4. Write. I should blog or write on my journal at least once a week. I love reading back on my previous jots because it reminds me of the things that mattered to me in the past and the things that made me happy.
5. Save. SUPER DUPER MEGA RESOLUTION! Hahaha. I eat and shop and buy a lot, my savings are kaput now :( So I'll start putting P5 and P10 coins into Boink (my piggy pank) from now on, and maybe stash at least P100 in my account from my weekly allowance. That'll do.
6. Keep the happiness and zest. I'm the type of person who gets bored easily. So paano na 'yan, med can be boring AND it's super tiring pa :| So I just need to constantly remind myself that I want this and this will all pay off in the future. And to prevent times of stress and burnout, I should allow myself to do something I like once a week. It can be as simple as eating froyo or watching an episode of a series or sleeping for more than four hours, or as grand as getting a massage (AAAAHHH KAILANGAN KO 'TO) or watching a flick or having a coffee date with myself, as long as I give myself a break, but only when I can afford it--time-wise and money-wise. Hahaha.
7. Stick to Him. Enough said :)

So there. Seven resolutions. I can do this! :)

Because it's Christmas

Today, I'm happy.

I'm happy not just because I got tons of new clothes and bags from my mom and Kuya Andre, a pair of my dream boat shoes from Kuya Adrian, a light-weight and durable book stand from my Kris Kringle daddy Vince, a super cute Domokun bag and new pretty notebook from Borbs, and the other lovely and valuable presents that I received from my loved ones.

I'm happy not just because of all the scrumptious, mouth-watering food that I've eaten and will be eating: Christmas ham, oatmeal cookies, cakes, revel bars, fruit salad, paella, pasta, Lola's superb caldereta, etcetera etcetera.

What I'm most especially happy about is at this time of the year, specifically during Noche Buena, our family is complete, as in complete complete.

Our family is far from perfect; honestly, I can say that we're not a nice or good or okay family, even. We're actually pretty detached from each other, except for me, I guess, because I'm pesky and clingy to my both my parents and to my three brothers. But every Christmas eve, we get to be this one whole family. No pressures. No issues. No conflicts. Just pure, happy and genuine family together time. Noche Buena is always simple here in our home, but it's also always fun and happy.

How we gossiped about this person 0r that family as if we were chatty, juvenile teeny boppers;

How we remembered one of our past drivers who ate all the lobster tails we ordered years back in Baguio and required at least a Jollibee or Mcdo meal (no carinderia meals for him :|);

How Dad was so proud and happy when I gave him an Ateneo School of Medicine and Public Health sticker for his car;

How we laughed so hard while opening Dad's gifts to each of us (we all received a USB-powered pen light from him, and he even gave himself one, too, gift wrapped and with a card hahaha);

How we disliked the red wine we received from a contractor but loved the 7-11-bought Tanduay Ice (tastes like Sprite);

How we remembered Ma's and our past househelpers' funny mishaps and lines;

How our youngest brother loved all the gifts that he received;

How we just ate so much, cried our hearts out laughing, and enjoyed each other's company.

These types of things happening are what I love the most about Christmas. They're priceless, and I would never ever replace them with anything in the world. I'm more than thankful that we have this one great family experience even if it's just once every year, and I thank the Lord for making it happen. It is in celebrating as a complete family that we celebrate His birth.

Happy, happy birthday, Jesus! Thank you so much for all the love and for blessing me with my loved ones :)

HAPPY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE! :)

I Can Make it Through the Rain

In commemoration of my long-awaited, much-adored, but recently concluded semestral break, allow me to look back and savor the lovely time I had with my family and friends with a couple of sem break posts. I enjoyed taking lots and lots of photos, and here are some of them.

***

Wawel visited me while I was in Tanay. It was a gloomy Friday afternoon, which kind of matched our mood then. Since rain was pouring on and off that day, we ended up hanging out under the comforts of the roofed asotea at the dike with our umbrellas, some junk food, my journal, and my colored pencils.

Wawel attempted to draw me. I wish I don't look like that in real life.

He ended up discovering my Hip Hob Abs DVD that was tucked in between my journal's pages. Hehe.

I saw this in the grocery and I just could not not buy it. It was green, plus it was sour cream. Nomnomnom. MSG-goodness.

We then walked a bit.

At the end of the dike, this sculpture stands in memory of the victims of Typhoon Ondoy.

Lastly, the beautiful old school light house of Tanay.

Cakes Donuts Pastries Yogurt Hello Panda

It sucks that I have so many YUMMY sweet stuff that's ready for some sweet devouring, but I can't eat them because I have a sore throat :(

(Or I do eat a piece or some spoons or a slice, then gobble on some Strepsils right after HAHAHA)

Anyway, a birthday post soon! Yay to 21 years!

Another Year

In a couple of days, I'll be turning 21.

Twenty-one.

Bente uno.

10+10+1.

2NE1.

Okay, ang corny ko na. Haha.

But really, 21? I can't believe how fast I've grown already! Back when I was still in grade school, I would always imagine myself as a mature, sophisticated, confident, accomplished, and strong 20-something-year-old. But looking at my actual self now.. Uhh. 'Yun lang. Uhh lang. Hahaha.

But then Psychology taught me that ideal selves are really just ideal selves. We could aim to be our ideal selves, but what matters first and foremost is our actual selves and how we deal with our own realities. So what is my current reality? Apparently, there's med school. And studying. And more studying. And much more studying. Of course my med school social life is awesome, if not too much, actually. I have great friends and a supportive family. But basically, that's it. My life now simply revolves around med school and how to survive it.

And so as I turn 21, let me list down the things that I would love to have/do/accomplish, both med and non-med-related, before the year ends. Yes, before the year ends is a pretty long time, but with med school, being realistic is the key to everything. Haha. So here is a wild mix of my resolutions, aspirations, dreams, wishes, and luhos that I plan on making come true for the remaining months of 2010:

• Get good grades, especially for the toxic Head and Neck module.
• A brown, spacious vintage body bag.
• Avoid coffee and drink more tea. My hands trembled like crazy the last time I drank a grande iced Caffe Mocha. I haven't drank coffee ever since. Although these don't wake me up the same way coffee does, the Lyons Jasmine Tea that I bought and the Oolong Tea that Ma got me from her recent trip to China are doing wonders for my digestion, so yay.
• Lose ze extra pounds by eating more fruits and vegetables, cutting down on the sweets (no more donuts!), fast food and junk food, and consuming only half a cup of rice for every main meal.
• Try to exercise at least twice a week.
• Visit an art gallery.
• Watch a play.
• A Rockin' Body DVD! No YouTube or downloadable ones available online yet eh :(
• Determine the perfect study habits for me. Where? What time? What strategy? Books or trans or both books and trans?
• Save up! P200-savings every week.
• Go to Cubao X.
• Frozen yogurt, always and forever.
• Stick to my beauty regimen. My goal: get clearer, more radiant, less porous skin.
• Paint. I've been planning on painting my own canvass bag, but I haven't gotten the chance to buy a plain canvass bag nor to sew myself one.
• New paintbrushes. Mine's a bit dilapidated already, especially sizes 3, 5, and 11.
• Take more photos. I hope I could go somewhere and just shoot shoot shoot photos. Or a random, wala lang photoshoot would also be nice. Be my model? Hehehe.
• Collect more pretty notebooks/journals/pads.
• Bite Club burger/Wendy's Baconator/Charlie's burger, or any enormous and grilled hamburger!
• Blog at least thrice a week.
• A new camera with nice MP. Or a toy/lomo/polaroid camera!
• Girly boat shoes. I'm saving up for a Sole Service Manila pair.
• Learn how to apply make-up.
• Bake cupcakes. I was initially planning on saving up for an oven, but that's me going overboard. Change of profession na? Haha. So the opportunity to make and bake some cupcakes somewhere (hmm, at my Lola's? I actually have no idea where yet haha) would be more than enough for me.
• Go to my dentist and have my braces adjusted after so long. Ako na ang pasaway na pasyente.
• An Ateneo jacket.
• An Ateneo shirt.
• Pretty, artistically-made, and creative Adarna children's books. So far, I have five. Time to expand my collection.
• Have long hair that's wavy at the ends (but I don't think my hair will grow long enough for that this year, boo).
• Get a massage and a foot spa.
• Watch an Up Dharma Down gig.
• Eat at Banchetto.
• Ride the Pasig Ferry again.
• More maong shorts, lovely skirts and dresses, and breezy, loose tops.
• Try to visit Dad and Jay in Tanay at least once a month.
• Play frisbee.
• Use the roller skates my mom bought me in China. Haha.
• Go to the beach. But first, I must strive for a beach body. Haha.
• A Domokun bag! I saw a girl in Ortigas with a Domokun backpack, so there's probably one in Greenhills.
• Watch all episodes of How I Met Your Mother, Grey's Anatomy, and The Big Bang Theory. I miss Barney, McDreamy, and Sheldon!
• Join an art competition, kahit small-time lang. Just so I could exercise my right hemisphere.
• An external hard drive or a high-capacity flash drive.
• Hugs please. Me loves hugs!
• Play basketball (on a real basketball court and not just arcade basketball haha).
• Learn to prioritize.

Facing Death

I know I've either been microblogging or posting in bullets lately because it's easier and quicker. Blame it on my wicked med school schedule and requirements. But reading my previous posts, I realized that short and structured entries still aren't the same as entries made of strings of words and paragraphs. It's like there's something missing; it's as if the spirit of the post is lost without an accompanying story-telling to it. Or maybe I just missed writing lengthy entries.

Whatever it is, at least here I am, trying to compose a decent paragraph-filled entry again. There's actually so many things to write about if I only had the time, and it's sad that I wasn't able to write about them when the memories were still fresh and real. So now, I'll just type type type away and see where my current sabaw and coffee-fueled self will take me.

***

They say that you're officially a medical student when you start cadaver dissection. It's been more or less three weeks since we entered that particular phase of our med school life, and all I can say is that it's been life-changing.

I dissected a frog, a cat, and even a cockroach before, but dissecting an actual human being is certainly different. Faaaar different. Although a part of me has grown quite used to the tedious slicing and cutting done almost everyday, the whole experience of opening a body of a person is still somehow unreal to me. I think it's probably because our cadaver's face is still covered with cheese cloth, and all we got to see and touch recently were his upper and lower extremities. Possibly, the fact that I haven't seen his face--how his lips curve, what shade his eyebrows are, how his nose look, or what facial expression he left before he passed away--is why I can carry on dissecting him without being scared or at least moved in an all new level.

I know I shouldn't be scared. I should even be thankful because this person gave his body for us to learn and be able to save people in the future. But honestly, I can't help but be afraid. Why? Because I am afraid of losing people. I am afraid of death.

Having a cadaver in front of me reminded me of how people can come and go so instantly. In a snap of a second, in a flash of light, in a speck of a moment, we can lose the people we love. And it made me think about the people who our cadaver left behind. I know it's none of my business, but certain questions brushed my mind: Do his loved ones know that he's gone? Why didn't they claim his body? Do they know where he is? Do they miss him?

In addition, I thought about how death will inevitably arrive, whether we like it our not. We can likewise lose our own lives in a snap of a second, in a flash of light, in a speck of a moment. This then made me wonder about our cadaver and the person who he was. Did he know he was about to die when he did? What was he like? What did he do? What were the things that he loved? What were his fondest memories? What defined his life?

I know all these questions of mine will remain as questions. Next week, we will be able to see our cadaver's face as we dissect his head and neck. Although I'm still not ready, I am hoping that wherever our cadaver is right now, he is aware that we are very grateful for the sacrifice that he offered to us and that we will not put his gift to waste. Also, I would like to thank him for reminding me that not only is life lived, but is it is also shared. And it is never too late to make a difference in other people's lives, just like how he made a difference in mine.

Thank you for sharing your life to us. May God bless your soul.

Get-happy

Before I carry on with my daily crazy night life, I would just like to take note of the things that made me sane and jolly recently. I was inspired by http://1000awesomethings.com/ and I realized that acknowledging the big and small things that make life so worth living is the key to survival, contentment, and happiness :)

So here's the list:

• Being able to get a good score in today's Cell Module final exam. No removals for me, yahoo!
• Starbucks no-whip green tea frappuccino
• P23.75-worth ear plugs
• Strepsils
• Wake-up-because-you-need-to-study phone calls
• Get-happy food from Borbs: Meiji chocolate, Flat Tops, and a Pepperoni bun
• Hugs from my mom
• Seeing Armi Millare of Up Dharma Down at Dunkin Donuts El Pueblo
• Getting her autograph through Borbs
• My mom and brothers' attempts of waking me up
• Scofield, our shih tzu
• The great and wacky company of my friends
• Finally watching Inception (but I fell asleep in the middle. Major fail, I know)
• Discovering Fliptop
• Losing and finding my phone (I dropped it inside the FX we rode on. Thankfully, the one sitting beside us found and returned it)
• Jogging in Ultra
• Dinky's isaw
• Fruits
• Ladies' Hip-hop dance (I joined the workshop for fun, and it was great!)
• Having heard the former DOH secretary Esperanza Cabral talk about herbal and alternative medicine
• Wasabi, my cozy beanie
• Doodling and coloring
• Vintage polka dots
• Frozen yogurt
• Yahoo Messenger conference kwentuhan
• Checklists
• Sleep
• Alo Green Tea

Happy!

OH, JOY

I am ecstatic. I am overjoyed. I am overwhelmed. Thank you, Lord. THANK YOU SO MUCH :')

Obviously, my prayers were heard. After a crazy morning yesterday, I left UP with a big smile, some happy tears, and a heart that's overflowing with gratitude. Finally, I passed Organic Chemistry. Finally, I can say that I am going to graduate this April. Finally, I am sure that I am going to be able to pursue medicine this coming school year. Finally.

My brother said that experiences like these build character, and indeed, how my character has changed for the better in the past weeks is noteworthy. It was certainly a struggle, maybe not for a number of my Org Chem-inclined classmates, but for me and some of my other peers. Not only did we have the most dreaded Org Chem prof who gives the most complex exams and teaches not so student-friendlily, Chemistry and I don't really mix well. I decided to take it at the start of the sem, nonetheless, in order to get into ASMPH, as well as to prepare for med school.

My pre-finals performance was below average, that's why I was immensely scared. I had to do really good in the finals in order for me to pass the subject and graduate on time. The pressure of everything weighed me down many times: graduating with Mandala X and graduating per se, med school and the big confirmation fee that was non-refundable, my future, others' expectations, my ego. Everything. It was hard to study and not to ruminate or think counterfactually when heavy stuff like these relied on how I will do in the finals. I cried at times, I was burned out, but after a couple of minutes, I would pick myself up and fight again. My dreams, my inspirations, my social support group, and my faith helped me get through this anxiety-rimming part of my life. I wouldn't have gotten through this without the latter two most especially.

I had to endure almost a week of painstaking waiting before our professor released the results of the exam. Can you imagine the level of anxiety that I endured? It went waaay overboard. Ask my mom. Still, I am very thankful for this experience because I realized how detached I have been from the Lord. I was too busy with my school and org work that I neglected him. I only came to him when I needed him, which is disappointing and ungrateful of me. Nonetheless, the Lord helped me through this part of my life. I prayed very hard. I talked to him constantly. I trusted Him. Thankfully, He answered my plea.

This experience showed me how life-changing having faith in the Lord is, how faith can truly lead us through our predicaments. I was not confident that I performed as good as I should have in the finals, but I believed that the Lord will make everything okay in the end. And he did make everything okay in the end. It spent quite a while, but the wait was worth it. I passed. What the ef, I passed. I PASSED I PASSED I PASSED! Everything seems so surreal, like a dream that came true. Humongous thanks, Lord. You're the best :')

I found out my grade just yesterday, and it was both the hardest and happiest day of my life. I was initially doomed because my prof said that I got a grade of 4.0, which meant that I still had to take the removal exam. I was heartbroken because I was only 15 points shy of passing. That was equivalent to 6 correct items in the finals (2.5 points per item). Moreover, my prof told me that I couldn't take an early removal exam because he was going to leave today, and he was the only one who could give the early removal exam. Regular removal exams will be scheduled within the summer semester, which was too late for me because all my grades should be in by this Saturday so that I could graduate this April. I almost died there due to a combination of my prof's irritation and rage (he didn't like crying, emotional students) and my sad Org Chem fate. I wanted to cry myself to sleep on the corridor along my prof's office and wake up five years after. Lol.

I still tried to apply for an early removal exam despite the great uncertainty of it all, though. I went to the College of Science and to AS 101 puffy-eyed and in tears, settling the removal exam permit while receiving weird glances from the staff and students. I went back to the Institute of Chemistry and waited for my prof to sign the permit. He came back two hours later, with his lesson plan in hand. He asked me if I was going to take the early removal exam and I said yes, trying to fight the build up of emotion inside of me. He then laughed and said that he recalculated our class' grades. He had mixed up my score with another score. "Ito na final grade mo," he told me, while pointing to a pencil-written '3.0' across my name on his class record. I instantly broke into tears. I approached my prof and wanted to hug him, but he shooed me away. Haha. Genuine happiness, really. Thank you, Doc Q :')

So there. I just had to make this entry as detailed as possible so I won't forget this important phase in my life. I thought things will end up badly, but it didn't, fortunately. The biggest reason behind this is because I had faith in the Lord. I experienced for myself the saying that "with God, nothing is impossible." Truly, there is always a way if you simply believe in Him while doing your part as well. I also learned that your efforts will pay off as long as you put your heart and soul into it. I pushed myself to the limit for the finals, and I was able to do it. I still can't believe it until now, in fact. Hehe. Lastly, you can never survive without your loved ones. A number of people knew about what I was going through, and they constantly helped me through it. For that I am extremely thankful.

Ma, thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for sacrificing your time and effort to stay with me during my long Starbucks study sessions, for taking me to and from school, for keeping me going when I wanted to give up, for understanding me and my emotionality. Dad, thank you for believing in me this much. Thank you for all the prayers. Thank you for the endless support and love.

To my brothers, thank you for constantly cheering for me and making me less cranky when I'm stressed. Hehe. Thank you to my dear friends Jem, Mica, Zoe, Kat, Ivan, Tupe, Edson, Ate Marize, Ate Eloi, Gab, Reg, and Hoby for being with me during my lowest moments. Your words of encouragement and prayers seriously helped me a lot through this. Thank you for being real and for simply believing in me. You're all so awesome.

Okay, this entry is super duper long already so I'll stop now. Yay to a happy, grateful, graduating future-med-student Bea :)

The Things That Truly Matter

I haven't feared for anything this much ever in my life. On the other hand, I haven't prayed and had faith this much either. Lord, I trust in You. I know You will not let me down.

***

So the past week has been filled with lots of emotions. The anxiety that I've been experiencing is more than I can handle, but thanks to my family and my friends, I've remained somehow sane. I realized a lot of things about life because of what I'm going through. I wish I wouldn't have to be in this situation again, but I'm very thankful for the big and small things that I'm getting from this experience. I just wish that I come out of this phase of my life stronger, more confident, and more conscientious than ever. And hopefully, with a Bachelor in Science degree in Psychology.

Good thing it was Holy Week, too, because I was able to reflect and pray. I went to Church everyday and prayed, prayed, prayed. I haven't been a good Catholic admittedly--not being able to go to mass regularly--but my faith in Jesus has never faltered. Although it did not always surface as much as it should be, I always believe. In times of doubt, fear, and uncertainty, what is always certain is that He is there. He will take care of us. He will bless and guide us through it all.

Lord, I have faith in You. I know You will not forsake me.

Remembering 2009

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’ve never done before?

Won in an election where I ran against three other candidates (sobrang nerve-wracking hehe). Was the president of an organization. Ate kimchi. Had my hair cut really short. Be a model, chos (for grad pics lang kasi haha). Applied for a scholarship abroad. Went on a college fieldtrip. Skinned a cat. Went to Ocean Park. Lost someone dear to me. Got seriously angry and hurt. Went to EK with friends (and not for a school fieldtrip or family outing). Got stranded because of Ondoy. Helped out in relief operations. Bought a human brain. Took the NMAT. Joined an international poster competition. Watched the UP Fair. Registered to vote for the 2010 elections. Snorkeled.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Uh, some. A small portion, I think. Hahaha. But I will still make resolutions. Probably next week :p

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Some acquaintances and cousins, but as in close close, no.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Lei :( We miss you, Lei.

5. What countries did you visit?
None. Dapat HK pero NSO ruined everything :(

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
More money! I really want to save up for my future. And more learnings. There'll be a lot of that, I know. Med ba naman. Info overload na ito. Exciting! Haha. More time to do stuff I love to do, as well. I wish I could paint and draw and doodle and design more.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 27. The last time I saw Kat before she fled to Korea as an exchange student. Can't wait to see her again next week!

February 13-14. UP Fair. Went with Kenneth and my brother. That night, the Jumping Jologs (JJs) went wild because the fair was full of people already and they couldn't go in despite having tickets. They brought the concert walls down by high-kicking and body-slamming it. From the inside, it was really scary. The artists who were playing (Bamboo, Tuesday Vargas, etc) and the University Student Council were already pleading the JJs to stop and just listen to the concert from the outside. Nevertheless, it was a memorable night. Love. Fireworks. Music. Food.

March 7. Eraserheads: The Final Set. The most bestest concert I've been to, hands down.

March 15. MS 102 Fieldtrip in Alaminos, Pangasinan! We snorkeled and saw lots of corals and fishes. The open waters frightened me, though. We had to swim from the dock in the middle of sea to the coral reefs area and back, eh ang layo 'nun. Napagod ako ng bongga. Akala ko hindi na ko makakabalik at makakagat na ko ng Jelly Fish. Hahaha.

March 19. I won as Mandala 2010's yearbook EIC and batch president. Also, Lei passed away :(

June 12-13. Batch 5 reunion in Binangonan. Old friends, forever friends. Iba talaga ang high school ♥

July 3. Mandala X Acquaintance Party. Had so much fun! Ang sabaw at competitive ng mga tao sa games. Hahaha.

August 1. RIP Cory Aquino. The whole country mourned but was nonetheless inspired by her loss. Also, I gave up. I went to Marie Digby's concert with Kuya Andre, too. I was able to meet her in person and had a photo taken with her! Sobrang fan moment lang. Hihi.

September 15. I hit the big 2-0. Goodbye younger years!

September 26. Ondoy hit Metro Manila and its neighboring areas. I was stranded for six hours with my mom and our driver. But that was nothing to what the others experienced. Heart-breaking. But at least we all learned from Ondoy.

November 14. Katy Perry Live in Manila! Katy was sooo great! I love her personality and style. She was so game, she actually kissed a girl (from the crowd) and she liked it! Haha.

November 20. It struck me. I really want to be a (artsy) doctor, hee.

December 22. EK with the EB plus Kriss and Ilao. Bought overpriced shorts and slippers because we got drenched at the Rio Grande Rapids and Log Jam. Lesson learned: bring extra clothes. Haha. Fun fun fun!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Winning and doing my job as Mandala EIC ♥

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not being able to save my GWA.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing serious. The usual flu or fatigue every now and then.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My HP Mini, Chloe!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My close friends who stuck with me through thick and thin. Kat, Joyce, Mica, Jem, Christian, Zoe, and Reg. And of course, my beloved Mandala Ed Board.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Someone's, but I wasn't really appalled or depressed. I was angry, but now, I think disappointed probably is the apter word. But I'm over it already.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Clothes. Org stuff. Clothes. School supplies. Clothes.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Concerts (Eraserheads: The Final Set and Katy Perry Live in Manila) and get-togethers (HS batch, HS barkada, Mandala)!

16. What song/s will always remind you of 2009?
Nobody by the Wonder Girls, FTW. Or the one that goes "mga tambay lang kami, sawa sa babae." Hate it so much. Haha.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder? – Sadder, but in only one aspect. At nababawasan na din naman 'yung sadness. Hihi.
Richer or poorer? – Poorer! Ubos ang savings ko. Dati yata marami-rami akong napamaskuhan. Haha.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
SLEPT. Worked out. Blogged. Took pictures. Studied. Haha.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Being confused. Cramming. Procrastinating. Wanting so many things that I can live without.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
I spent it with my family. The usual Porciuncula and Alfonso reunions, pero hindi kami nakaabot sa latter :( Had isaw with my mom and my brothers at around 6PM, and also spent some time with the Amonoy's and Arcilla's after dinner.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?

Hmm, no. Continued to be in love, yes. But then.. 'Yun na. Hehe.

22. How many one-night stands?
None.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
It all started with The Big Bang, hey! And of couse How I Met Your Mother, Gossip Girl, and Glee.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hahaha. Hindi naman hate. Pero yeah, bad vibes siguro.

25. What was the best book you read?
Psychology of Learning by Ormrod. Hahaha.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Death Cab for Cutie and She & Him. Pati si Taylor Swift? Hahaha.

27. What did you want and got?
New phones (nasira 'yung una huhu), a laptop, clothes, art stuff.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Definitely Avatar! (500) Days of Summer comes next, but its because I love Summer!

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 20. Hmm, didn't do anything special. Just ate with some friends. Celebrated with my family.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Getting a 99+ score in the NMAT. Asa naman ako. Haha.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

Layers. Colorful. Comfy. Cardigans. Minsan vintage-y. Anything goes, actually. Depends on my mood.

32. What kept you sane?
Inspiring fashion and art blogs. Food. Friends. My dreams. My mom :)

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
The Olsens. Rachel Bilson. Kate Beckinsale. Anne Curtis.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
The Maguindanao Massacre. Insanely immoral. Ang sarap painumin ng phenol 'yung mga Amputuans.

35. Who did you miss?
Kenneth and Kat.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Chris, a Starbucks barista. Haha.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
That we all have different wants and needs in life, at nagbabago 'yun through time. Pwedeng pareho tayo ng gusto noon, pero ngayon hindi na. At walang masama 'dun. Nothing is constant. We have to live with change :)

Also, that everything does happen for a reason. Gasgas na gasgas na, pero it's true. When things don't go the way you want them to, sulk a little, then move on. There's so so so much more to enjoy and be happy about. Tomorrow is always a new day to learn and change and grow. Easier said than done, I know, but I realized that it's all in the disposition, really. Kaya think about your dreams everyday. Always have something to look forward to. Spend time with people you love. Do stuff that makes you smile. These can balance or overwrite all the other things that gets us down. Para masaya ang world :)

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life :)