Burned Out?

You feel like you are burnt out or that you are on the verge of burning out, but in reality you are on the verge of deciding whether or not you will burn out. It's scary to acknowledge that it's a decision because it puts the onus on you to do something about it, but it's empowering because it means there is something you can do about it.

Resolutions

22 resolutions now that I'm 22.

1. Stop doing multiple tasks at one time. Rather, focus first on one task, then shift to another one when the former is accomplished. (For example, I have my Epidemiology readings, my Histopathology slides, and Facebook open while I'm doing this blog post. It's not multi-tasking anymore; it's counterproductivity :|)
2. Listen in class and take down notes as much as I can.
3. Write more and take more photos.
4. Exercise at least twice a week. I should try to play badminton again if I plan on joining the varsity team next year.
5. Study everyday and not just panic study on weekends.
6. Eat more fruits and vegetables; consume less coffee, milk tea (huhu) and energy drinks.
7. Choose to drink water always.
8. Watch the news and read the newspaper more.
9. Study at the library every Saturday.
10. Attend mass every Sunday. It's best to go early in the morning so that I could start studying right after.
11. Try to fill up Boinky the Piggy Bank as much as I can.
12. Organize your life always. Since making lists and outlines work for me, then I should put extra effort to make them.
13. No more procrastinating. Text and go online less.
14. Keep things simple. Be practical.
15. Learn to say no.
16. Read at least 5 non-med books this year.
17. Know your priorities and stick with them.
18. Do something good and fun everyday and write about it.
19. Do something different every month. There's no growth in the familiar and the usual.
20. Keep it real.
21. Family first.
22. Pray.

2012

Before we start a new year, it's always good to look back and reflect on the year that was. So I looked back and reflected, and I think that 2011 has been the most difficult year for me to date. I faced a lot of challenges--some of which were totally my fault while some were out of my control. I really had a hard time accepting failures and mistakes. I also realized a lot about my self that I need to work on. In retrospect, I never imagined this past year to be as whirlwind-like as it was.

But towards the end of 2011, I found a certain level of peace. I learned to acknowledge my wrongdoings and flaws, and I'm in the process of accepting these so that I could let them go or do something about them. I know that doing these will remain to be a challenge, but I believe I'll get over things eventually. With the help of the people I love and who love me back plus a lot of growing up, I'll be okay.

But don't get me wrong; although 2011 has been crazy difficult, there were loads of ups as well. All in all, there were a lot of scars, but a lot of smiles came with it, too.

Now, the annual year-ender survey:

1. What did you do in 2011 that you've never done before?

Used up one entire planner for the year. Circumcised. Became an Atenean scholar. Drank Milk Tea (and got hooked on it). Went on a road trip to Batangas with my dear friends (despite my parents' disapproval). Drank a mojito. Became an NMAT volunteer for ASMPH. Had my hair permed. Tried Zumba (and got hooked on it, too!). Worked for a politics-oriented NGO. Met Manny Pacquiao in person. Spent hours and days inside the Batasang Pambansa. Rubbed elbows with big Politicians and celebrities. Became an audience in one episode of a TV show. Brought a loved one to the ER (panicking). Ate chocolate with green mango and salt. Was absent for a major exam. Ate a ginormous burger with med friends. Got a part-time job. Used entirely my own money to buy my friends and family gifts for Christmas. Won in a big-time raffle for concert tickets, complete with VIP perks. Saw Taylor Swift perform live (and almost cried in happiness). Did a mini photography gig. Sought non-medical advice from a doctor. Got my mom an autograph from her idol. Commuted to EK. Joined a drinking game. Actually hated someone. Got a Starbucks planner without buying even one drink (I love you, Kima!). Understood what real love is (00 na, cheesy haha). Got my student driving permit. Tried to drive a car.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Sadly, I weren't able to keep all my 2011 resolutions. Fail. Hahaha. But I plan on making some for this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not super close, but some HS batchmates and orgmates gave birth to lovely babies.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully, no.

5. What countries did you visit?

None. AGAIN :(

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

An iPad, oven and camera please? Haha. But on a less materialistic note, more self-confidence, self-discipline and self-efficacy (just like last year). And more strength to face my fears and my flaws.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

• OMGOMGOMG winning tickets to Taylor Swift's Manila concert and the entire concert experience! Highlight of my year!
• Pyrolympics <3
• Finding out that my scholarship application was approved :')
• When those sweet words were said. Finally :)
• Was that August 2, when I made a super booboo? Hahaha. Sorry na, Borbs! :p
• My 22nd birthday
• Noche Buena
• November 29-30 with Tgang love! Sampalan + 9gag drinking board game + wish lanterns + Nutella + forever friends = bonding like no other :)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Getting a scholarship, hands down. It was the best blessing of 2011 for me and my family.

9. What was your biggest failure?

A loooot. Of course there's acad-related failures; then there's more personal ones. I'd rather not discuss the latter here.

10. Did you suffer any illness of injury?

Terrible bouts of dysmenorrhea ever month and some problems here and there.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Again, med books? Haha. And the Adarna children books and journals that I added to my prized collections :) Also, I discovered the thin, yellow Sharpie highlighter and the blue green Stabilo highlighter, which I love to use now!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My HS kada, my med school pals, and most of all, Borbs :)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

ATE JONI @$#%!* Hahaha. Ka-bwisit. And some people I'd rather not name.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Like last year, on transes, highlighters, photocopies, med school reviewers and books. But instead of Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts, I consumed a lot of Milk Tea, Cobra, Bacchus and Nescafe Espresso Roast--a bit cheaper but still unhealthy. Haha.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Semestral break and Christmas break! Hahaha. --EXACTLYYY! And the summer escapade with my HS kada and that sembreak EK trip.

16. What song/s will always remind you of 2011?

Party Rock Anthem, Super Bass and Love on Top! Hahaha.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier or sadder? - Unfortunately, sadder. But I'm more hopeful.

Richer or poorer? - Poorer? But I'll be getting my pay soon, so richer na din siguro. Haha.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Praying. Spending time with my family and friends. Studying with real understanding.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Stressing out, procrastinating and worrying.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Spent it with my dear family, as usual. We had a simple yet happy Noche Buena :)

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

Stayed in love :)

22. How many one-night stands?

Zero.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

Still Grey's Anatomy, HIMYM, The Big Bang Theory. The new additions were Modern Family and New Girl.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Same as #13.

25. What was the best book you read?

Robbins and Contrans Pathologic Basis of Disease 6e. Haha. Plus I'm reading One Day and I'm loving it.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Nicki Minaj! I memorized Super Bass. Haha.

27. What did you want and got?

Shoes? Haha. Seriously, my med school scholarship that our family badly needed :')

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Hmm, I didn't get to watch a lot of movies, but I loved Tangled, Crazy, Stupid Love and The Immortals!

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 22! It was a normal school day that my friends and family made extra special. After a lunch meeting on the 4th floor, my med pals were waiting for me on the 3rd floor to surprise me. There were gifts, cakes, flowers and yummy sisig and rice! Sadly, I had to rush back to our room on the 2nd floor because our group was the one in charge to transcribe the lecture. My friends were left on the third floor "celebrating" my birthday while I was typing my heart out in class. Haha. Then, my family and I went out for dinner at North Park. Even my Dad and brother Jay drove from Tanay to Pasig on a weekday to celebrate my birthday with me, so I was really happy that we were complete. I love my friends and family :)

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Not necessarily more satisfying, but happier, I guess? Having my Dad well.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010.

Loud colors. Tucked-in tops. Shorts. Polos. Florals. Stripes. Casual vintage, basically. --SAME. It seems that my fashion did not grow a bit. Haha.

32. What kept you sane?

Not just what but who, too. My family and friends. Borbs. The idea that tomorrow will always be a brighter day.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Like the past years, I love Rachel Bilson, Kate Beckinsale, Anne Curtis, Rachel Adams, Taylor Swift, Jessica Alba, Scarlet Johansson, Kate Bosworth, and Anne Hathaway. Plus Rhian Ramos when she spoofed Super Bass and Victoria's Secrets hotties like Miranda Kerr.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

The RH bill.

35. Who did you miss?

My college and HS friends!

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Hmm, this is hard. I met a number of new friends, but I guess the best were my Blue Platito and SCOPE orgmates plus Jacq and Jill Pardo from PLM.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

There were a LOT of valuable life lessons! But one quote that somehow captures everything is this: "I can be changed by what happens to me. I refuse to be reduced by it."

38. Quote a song lyric that sums ups your year.

I loved Videoke-singing this song during the break: "Even if there is pain now, everything will be alright for as long as the world still turns there will be night and day. Can you hear me? There's a rainbow always after the rain."

I end this post with another quote:

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself." -Neil Gaiman

2012 will be exciting and meaningful, I know it :)

Trust and Hope

When we feel that everything's seriously messed up and we don't know what to do anymore, we may have this tendency to bottle ourselves up, hoping that by putting a wall around ourselves, we would manage to sort things out on our own. Well, at least I had that tendency. A lot of things have constantly been bothering me no matter how I hard I try to shrug it off. Some recent occurrences even sparked bad memories that I would rather just keep in the deepest, darkest part of my head. And since it's a given fact that the best person to help us when life seems to give us pins and needles is our own selves, I thought that I had to learn to deal with everything by myself for me to become stronger and more resilient. I had to learn to become really independent and settle stuff with my self first before actually involving other people in my life.

Nonetheless, having said these, I still didn't know what I should do. All I knew was I had to jumpstart all the changes that I need to do for myself, for the people I love, and for my dreams; I had to bring my proper senses back right in time for 2012's entrance, hopefully giving me some sort of new direction. Thankfully, that talk I had with someone yesterday was like the fresh air I've been badly gasping for. He made me realize that I can indeed be alone if I really wanted to, but I don't have to be. He made me realize that hardships are better shared, especially if people are more than willing to share it with you.

So thank you, you, for sticking with me despite everything. Thank you for sharing true love and friendship with me. You are a blessing, really. I'm so lucky to have you :)

I'll probably write a year-ender post of some sort tomorrow, but for now, all I'm sure is that 2012 will be a better year for me. 2012 will surely be a year of being stronger and more confident, learning to say no, having more faith and trust, being real, and living with true love.

Now, time do my Histopath manual with a smile.

"Some of the most life-shaping decisions you’ll make during this time will be about walking away from good-enough, in search of can’t-live-without."

It's Christmas Time in the City

I've been writing everywhere--from back pages of notebooks to scratch papers to margins of my transes to receipts. The surge of thoughts and emotions have become quite uncontrollable lately, and I have been seeking more relief in writing than pouring my heart out to someone. I don't know, I guess it's just more convenient. No judgment, no trying to explain your own personal biases, no unwarranted feedback. But then again, papers don't respond to your rants nor give a comforting hug, and that sucks sometimes.

Anyway, today is the first weekday of the Christmas break. I've spent an hour or two buying presents last night. All the shopping made me wonder: "Do other people exert as much effort in finding the most appropriate gift (in terms of likeness/need and budget) for me as I am for them?" Of course it's not about receiving but giving, but one cannot help but think about the thought process other people have in giving gifts. D

As for me, if Santa is really true, I would plead that he give me the following for Christmas (or ipanalo nalang niya ko sa Lotto haha):
-Oven
-Cajon
-iPod Touch
-iPad
-Canon camera
-Camera phone
-Varsity jacket
-Keds Boat Shoes
-Payless Flats
-Yellow Sharpies
-Dong-A Playon Colored Pens
-A simple, peaceful Noche Buena with my family
-A love that's real, enduring, romantic and constant
-Strength to keep me going despite my problems and difficulties
-Courage to rise above all that's bothering me
-Discipline, passion and determination to make me a better individual

Please bless me with all the non-material wishes I have, Santa.

1st of December

I was studying at Dunkin Donuts El Pueblo when bang after bang after bang shook the dark heavens outside. I went out to see the beautiful fireworks of Megamall (or was it San Miguel?) setting off in the sky, signaling the start of the yuletide month.

I really love Decembers. Aside from giving students (undergrad and post grad) like us the opportunity to take a break within the second half of the school year, it is the time when people are extra giving, thoughtful and sweet. Indeed, what better way to celebrate Christmas with love and comfort both shared with others and kept in our hearts.

Christmas will always be my favorite holiday. Be gone, bad vibes. In with the happy, cheerful Christmas spirit :)